With you I was once fearless, but I always took things for granted

You are probably the only person in the world I can tell my darkest fear to. 

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船 到 桥 头 自 然 直

Such sad truth but I think I’m past the age of updating an online blog. Only when times are bad or when all doors are closed, do I think of my trusty Tumblr. I feel like some cheater.

But anyway exams are finally over, it’s the holidays again! Never felt so liberated, so relieved at the end of a school term before. Every time exams are over, I’ll feel happy but this time, it’s the happiest. I’m so happy I’m still suffering from some kind of a hangover. I’m so happy I still wonder if this liberation is just a dream. I’m so happy this feeling of freedom feels so surreal.

The lingering thoughts of those lesson plans and projects are still potent enough to send shivers down my spine. Those cups of coffee and packets of biscuits that toiled through those tumultuous times with me, are just painful memories of this semester I wanna erase. Never have I perspired so much doing work, never have I gotten so frantic I could just break down, never have I stayed in school till past 1am to do a project.

This semester sucked all the life and energy out of me. I wanted to give up so many times. I wondered what I was doing, where I was going, and I could get so tired the words people said just went in one ear and out the other. I gave up on yoga, I held onto whatever hope I had of working out. These plans fell flat. I knew it was just me, but in the face of deadlines, schoolwork and giving tuition, all those need to take a backseat. My life just took a downward dip. I became so easily irritated, so on the verge of a breakdown. I did not have the sleep I needed, and even if I held onto my rights of a 7-hour sleep, it didn’t always feel right. I still felt shortchanged at the end of the day.

Looking back, I still wondered how I did it. What did I say to the people dearest to me when I was having stress? How did they feel? How would I have felt if those words were said to me instead? Is everything still intact from Day 1 when I entered this 2nd semester to the last day everything ended on Monday? 

I’m amazed I survived. Fuck I’m even proud of myself. So what if I just scrapped through? I’m happy enough. I don’t always have to show myself I could ace it all, because I wasn’t meant to. I was the kind of person happy with just scraping through, and barely making the mark. I don’t need to have a thesis to my name, I don’t need to be known as someone who got A’s. It’s not that I undermine myself, but I know what I was made of. Most importantly, I know what I want. And what I do not want.

Much as I hated this semester, I learnt and knew things as always.
I learnt that one don’t have a say in a lot of things and if you end up in the same group as people who work fucking differently from you, just suck it in and do your bare minimum. I also learnt that adopting a relaxed and chilled-out attitude is the best way to go. No expectations, no disappointment. It really works for me even though I still perspire and grunt my way through the projects and lesson plans. It’s just tricking the brain into acceptance. 

I also learnt that it’s pointless thinking too far into the future. I scare myself when I see the deadlines all cluttered together within the span of two weeks, I busy myself with things other than the assignments because I’m weird like that. 

So yeah, I finished my second year of University life, halfway through my undergrad life. Two more years. They will be even shittier, even more stressful, even busier than now. The shit from the next two years, or 4 semesters, will be stuffed into my face when the time comes. I shall not be bothered about it till it comes anyway.

Maybe I will be more cognitively developed then, or maybe I will not realize what’s going on and blindly do what’s required of me, then when everything is over, I heave a sigh of relief and pity myself for a horrible semester. Like now. 

:)

People always say, 船 到 桥 头 自 然 直. And it’s fucking true. What’s the point of fretting when in the end, everything will be alright? If it’s not alright, then it’s really not the end. In it I shall trust. :)

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Just like how people can get so hungry till they don’t feel hungry anymore, one can also miss someone else so much till he or she doesn’t miss the other person anymore.

When I have to present something in front of the class..

omgtoohilarious:

Omgtoohilarious!

HAHAHA I can relate!!!!!

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omgtoohilarious:

Omgtoohilarious!

lolsofunny:

You’re gonna laugh here.

I wanna go brazil! 

Should I?????

“can I take part in the challenge?” only 7 words but freaking hard to get them out of my mouth. Omgggggggggg I’m such a pussy. They confirm say “oh sure! That will be lovely!!!!!”

What if I can’t do all 30 days? Then damn sian. What if I got no time! Omg.

I’m not aiming for 108, but only 30!!! Why do they feel so daunting now.
I shall practice saying those 7 words while the train is only at lavender.

Come on Joy it’s not that hard!!!! Yikes holy shit